disconcerting

i made any kind of entry here was almost a year ago. i wish i could say that i have grown. i wish i could say that i am a better person. a woman in bloom with confident teeth and lips that don't stay so chapped. but i'm still a mouth breather and i am still stubborn and i am still sitting in this green and blue room. i wish i could say that i am happier. i think i am happy somewhere but it is not here, oh that much i can tell you. the city is too loud, though, dirty and eyes still cut me too deep, my anxiety is still throttling me around the throat. i am still seeing him sometimes. i told him, i am not happy anymore. i have seen other boys,

i shook harder than i have ever allowed myself while in someone's arms or rather, with their arms around me i was too busy bundling up my nerves close to my bones on the floor shaking like a fucking leaf and i hate that idiom so it's suiting this was in the middle of me telling you things admitting to you things spilling slipping and sliding to you these things and you only understood the words i could say to you to try and make things better but towards the end i told you, i warned you 'i'm a malicious person' i am not sorry i will not be there when you get back from work i will not come over during the storm i will not let th

to the boy whose face found his way into connor's features later that day and that's when i realized i was doomed to blue eyes, thick eyebrows and easy smiles to the boy who showed me a good time after our eyes met each other for the first time to the boy who had the base of his dick pierced and when i asked him why he replied with something about being 18 and why not to the boy who i have yet to tell that was the singular hottest thing i had ever seen to the boy who i want to just smile at me to the boy who i want to blow me a shotie more than anyone else in the world because when i watched him smoke that blunt and play with the smoke u